New Year...

I think this year I might set some goals. Ive never really done that before, especially a New Years resolution. Maybe it's time to start. I am going to London in June...that's been on my list for a long time. What else...hmmmmm........

surprised. again.

I love when things turn out in a way that you could have never imagined. Well...I like it when the surprise is GOOD..not when things turn out worse than you could have imagined. I find that in matters of the heart, it's so easy to throw caution to the wind...to not think about tomorrow. That feels perfect right now. I'm loving it.

winter..

the native americans believe you have seasons of your life. every four years you experience your 'winter' although i feel like i am in my winter every winter. it seems as things become more clear they become more confusing more often than not and this is one of those times. i'm not sure if its me or everyone else. well..maybe i do know but dont want to admit it...

taking on a new project..not finishing the old ones...wondering what will happen next. story of my life.

summer

Seems like all winter I look forward to summer so much that when it gets here all I can do is think about it being over too soon.

This summer has been pretty wild so far. My son is staying at his dads and I have the place to myself and nobody to worry about but me. Single and free. Lookout.

Turns out to be a little more complicated than I thought it would be. I've experienced romance and dating and one night stands and thinking something would happen when it didnt and being sure it wouldnt and it did. Twists and turns and peaks and valleys. Joy and pain. LIFE.

Thank you Nick for encouraging me so many months ago and to all my loyal and beautiful friends for listening to my crazy stories and all my drama.

And to the person who turned my cab light on, who will never see this : )

WTF

Im hating my life right now. Ugh. This will be a total pity party but I'm just not able to talk myself out of feeling this today. I can't get to a place of gratitude right now. All I feel is anger and irritation and the urge to scream and throw a huge tantrum. I'm not even sure why.

The other night I busted out a bunch of old pictures to scan and I started feeling sort of...melancholy..or something. Seeing pictures of a certain time in my sons life made me really sad. He was so cute and innocent and I wasnt. I don't know what I could have done differently and it's pretty ridiculous to even think about it because clearly I did what I was capable of at the time. Thats all I could do. And I miss the little kid. Now hes big and grown up and doesnt need me. He also doesnt do anything I tell him to. He also leaves his fingernail clippings around the bathroom sink. I love him more than life itself.

A few other weird things have happened to me lately that have left me feeling...WEIRD....

I wish I could break something or cry or get drunk. All three?

ideas..

i have some great ideas. i wish i was the type of person that could complete a project. i feel like i have two really good movie ideas..based on some personal experiences...but i have no confidence i could undertake a project that big. ugh. maybe i can. ?? ive been writing a book for like four years...havent even looked at it for months. its part of the aries blessing. goddammitt.

off balance

last week i had some hideous virus that mutated into bronchitis and a sinus infection. i had to use 5 days of time off from work which made me feel like crying. ugh. i still dont feel GREAT but i am definitely back among the living. sorta.

something weird is happening in the universe though, im not the only one reporting it. people i know that are usually solid as a rock seem to be on rather shaky ground. everyone seems really disconnected and aggro (myself included). for instance, my son is in the BEST mood hes ever been in that i can remember in his entire life (he has recently been hanging out with a lovely young woman) and i can barely be nice to him. its like his happiness is making me mad..?!? i keep thinking myself out of it, saying to myself, this is crazy...why be mean when he is so happy? then i came home from work and found all of his fingernail clippings in my freshly cleaned bathroom sink and i sent him a text that said "sleep with one eye open". and i meant it.

message

The universe has been sending me messages. Not the easy yell in your ear kind, the confusing, subliminal not exactly literal kind. I think. Pretty sure anyway.

Although the message is hopeful and positive and loving, it's not what I want right now. I want what I want when I want it, and when I want it and everything else is NOW. Such a joke, like anything happens according to MY timeframe....oh hahahahaha back at you Universe, you big fucking joker.

streamers

Conflicts arent the same as they used to be. I guess by the time you reach my age youve had a wide variety of experiences if youre lucky. Given that Ive been around the proverbial block a few times I know what the risks are in matters of the heart. I want to feel alive and just go for it and not protect myself all the time. How do I avoid the pain? Perhaps its inevitable in any circumstance. Why cant I just go along for the ride and not have to be the voice of reason to myself?

On the other hand...maybe Ive learned enough to want to avoid the pain and know that instant gratification is rarely worth the aftermath of suffering? Perhaps this is what being OK looks like. I want both apparently. Excitement and safety. Is this possible?

spring forward

Another birthday has come and gone. Every time it happens part of me is surprised Ive been around this long. There was a period of time I was headed for an early extinction. Seems as though that was not the plan for me in this life. Who would have known?

The last few weeks have been invigorating, confusing, exciting and very educational. I feel like every experience brings me something so valuable. I went on a really fun vacation with one of my best friends. Then when I got home I had a strange conflict with a friend I've had since I was 15 years old and it was left in a state of disrepair or so it seems at this moment. I had the most interesting, honest, vulnerable and loving conversation Ive had with another person in a long time and I also went on an AMAZING 4 hour trail ride with the most fantastic group of friends anyone could ever want - all over the course of a few days.

I got home today and checked the mail and there was the most amazing gift waiting for me from one of my favorite people on the planet. Im a lucky son of a bitch and I'm perfectly happy about it.

Its becoming apparent to me that this part of my life is largely happy. Even when its not exactly. If youre 43 that probably makes sense to you. Im so grateful and curious to see what will happen next. Just know that my heart is full of good stuff. Thats a lot coming from me.

born to run

I'm feeling antsy. Maybe its the weather or maybe just sheer boredom but I feel like I want to move away. I want to live somewhere sunny with new interesting people. There are lots of things I love about Seattle but not much this time of year. We get teased with some pollen and a few things bloom, then we get 32 degree days with 65 mph winds. I just feel like if I dont go now I never will and I can't handle thinking that. At age 43 how many more moves do I have in me? How much more courage and energy do I have left. I dont know. It just seems like there is something waiting for me somewhere else.

grungey

About a year ago...maybe longer...a book was published about Kurt Cobain. Not the first and probably not the last. A friend of mine works at the publishing company and gave me the book. There happens to be a picture of me and Kurt in it, which I guess is why he thought I deserved a free copy, which I can't say I disagree. While I had looked at the pictures when I got the book (of course I had to critique my eybrows and silly 22 year old garb) I had never read any of it. The book is meant to be heavy on the never before seen pictures and recreations of interesting tidbits of Kurts stuff.

For some reason last night I opened the book and read every single word. I felt happy and sad and joyful and depressed and nostalgic and grateful and angry and confused. It was a much wilder ride than I had anticipated. I felt like I spent the evening with him and relived our entire youths.

No matter how much time goes by, I still miss him and part of me just flat out misses that time in my life. It was exciting and reckless and I was surrounded by people making musical history, although of course nobody knew it at the time. As my friends and I are heading into our 40's Kurt will forever be 27. If we only knew at 27 how young we were. How could someone decide at that age that life isnt worth living? Doesn't make any sense to me. I still cry about it sometimes.

The most heartbreaking part is to see pictures of him with his baby. I know he loved her so much. Its hard to understand why he would leave her if he loved her at all, but I know he thought she was better off without him. I've had those same thoughts myself about my son when I was in the throes of despair and hopelessness.

His birthday just went by in February and soon I will face the day that he died. Again. 16 years ago. My son was just 9 months old, Kurts daugher was a year and a half, now they are both young adults and have never met. Most likely never will. I know Kurt would have loved Mason, he had the soul of an artist and loved grafitti. I picture them sneaking around together at night vandalizing the city. Love you Kurt. I miss you.

wake up

The other night I woke up at 4:30 AM to a voice in my head saying "ONE DAY YOU WILL BE DEAD". As in, at some point in time the body that I exist in will no longer exist. No more brain function. I have suffered intermittently from a bit of anxiety around this subject and have tried really hard to not be scared of it anymore. Nothin I can do about it anyway. Sometimes when I have the thought of death I feel totally fine with it, I have faith and acceptance and no fear at all. I don't know why sometimes I'm alright with it and sometimes I'm not, maybe we don't get to 100% ok with it until its time. Maybe we never do. Or, I should say, maybe I never will.

It seems like this should be something that more people are talking about. Is anyone else apprehensive? Scared even? For some reason it doesnt really seem like it. When I bring it up to other people that I sometimes have this anxiety or fear they mostly just say things like "huh."

Ah the grim reaper. Stay away.

sunblast

I was eating breakfast today with my friend Melissa when an older man sat at the table next to us. He had beautiful, friendly blue eyes and was wearing two blue earrings. I would guess he was about 75 years old. He pointed at my phone sitting on the table and said "you know, the sun is heating up for a big solar blast that will destroy all the frequencies for phones and tv and radio and will also knock out all the satellites and most of the power." I replied, "sweet, that sounds awesome." Then he said "did you know congress is trying to take everyones private 401k's and give all the money to social security and they will just give you a piece of paper, like an IOU?"

I liked him.

lalalalalalalalalalala *fingers in ears*

It's gonna sound crazy, but sometimes I miss being a junkie. Sometimes I fantasize that I have no responsibility. No accountability. Nobody expects anything from me and that I live in that comfortable haze of cigarette smoke with the low din of the TV in the background.

My biggest concern when I was a junkie was how to get money to get drugs. Everything else I needed I could steal. Cigs, food, haircolor, makeup, clothes, etc. Sometimes I could talk a nice mexican fellow out of a few bags of dope, but not often. That required cold hard cash. Hustling was not that hard for me, I was actually a really good criminal. I got caught very few times, statistically.

I knew it was just a matter of time before it all caught up to me and to be perfectly honest, I probably got out right at the tipping point. Thats a fucking miracle. Technically, I could be writing this from prison. But, I'm not. I'm in my nice, cozy apartment with my teenage son. Contemplating what we will have for dinner. Reflecting on my stressful day at my well paying corporate job.

As disgusting and hopeless as it was at the end, I do think about the high. The actual feeling when the shot of heroin you just did would finally reach wherever it was supposed to and wash over you like stepping into a hot bath. Aint nothin like it I'm tellin ya. The misery and devastation that accompany it keep me away. Thats the shit I'm too lazy for. Every once in a while I ask myself if my life is peaceful or boring. Its a pretty fine line, but either way, I'll take it.

42

Lately I'm feeling sad about getting old. With the appearance of each new grey hair and the skin on my neck refusing to stay put, it's undeniable that its happening. Aging. I never thought it would happen to me. I also never thought I would have become a heroin addict, or a single parent, but that happened too. Believe it or not I'm grateful for all of it. Except the getting old part. It's so fucking high maintenance. Creams and potions and hair color and blah blah blah. When I was young I could just roll out of bed, no makeup or bra, throw my hair in a ponytail and hit the streets running.

I was frivolous with relationships, knowing there would always be another around the corner. Always on the take, trying to get what I could out of everyone around me, never considering that I should actually be doing some giving. Blaming everything on everyone else, never wanting to take responsibility for my own decisions. Self will run riot.

Youth really is wasted on the young.

I guess the beauty of aging is the life experience and knowledge that comes with it. Notice how I didn't use the word "wisdom" there. I wouldn't go that far. It seems unfair that by the time you get to the place in life where you feel ok on the inside, know who you are and what you do and don't want in your life, you are suddenly middle aged. Weird. This whole thing is a trip. But I keep trudging forward on the path of happy destiny. Cheers.

payback

Last night I was at a wake for my grandfather at a sportsbar in Issaquah. One of his fishing buddies is the owner and put on a huge bash for the family, it was a great event. Just before I was starting to gather my things to leave I had a conversation with a man named Jason.
Jason is my ex step mothers (Beth, who is also my younger half brothers mom) current husband. I've known Jason for 16 years, ever since he and Beth first met and started dating.

One day, 16 years ago, I was at Beths house hanging out with my younger brother (I had my son with me who was less than a year old, which is the only reason I know how long ago it was). At the time I was severely addicted to heroin and it was about the time of day that I had to start figuring out how I was going to get money and score drugs, it was time to get my hustle on. As my mind was slicing and dicing my options for whatever shifty business would be in order to meet my needs, I decided to go to the bathroom. My last moment of rest before I was going to have to get the wheels turning on this endeavor.

As I was walking down the hall to go to the bathroom I was able to glance into Beths bedroom and see Jasons pants hanging over a chair. There was a beautiful wad of cash just peeking out of his jeans pocket. The money was basically screaming, "COME GET ME". It was just a few feet away, and everyone was out swimming in the pool so the house was empty. I scurried in her room, snatched the money, skipped the bathroom, said our goodbyes and was out the door in seconds flat.

11 years ago when I got sober, my family welcomed me back with open arms. There has never been any talk of my transgressions unless I brought them up. Neither Jason or Beth have ever spoken of the incident that day, but I thought deep down they had to know what had really happened. A few years ago I remembered this incident, and being a good AA have had every intention of making amends to Jason and pay him back. Every time there was an event when I knew I would see Jason I never had any cash on me, I always told myself I would swing by the ATM to get the money on my way and I just never did.

I had gotten a bunch of cash for my son to pay some school fees and get a student ID card and he decided not to do it on Friday, so I had a big wad of cash in my purse when I went to the event last night. Just as I was starting to think about leaving, Jason got there and came over and hugged me and said hello like usual. He told me about how he just lost 50 lbs in three months and we were in the midst of having a very interesting conversation when I heard a loud voice in my head scream "GIVE HIM THE MONEY". He started to walk away while I was reaching in my purse to grab the money. Just as I pulled my hand out of my purse, I grabbed his arm. As he turned to look at me I felt a huge wave of energy wash over my body, I felt calm and peaceful and happy and confident. I told Jason the story of how I stole the money and that I was strung out at the time I did it and that I was sorry. He resisted and didn't want to take the money so I just shoved it in his pocket. He said he appreciated the apology and respected what I was doing, but really didn't need the money. I said "Jason, if you don't take this money I might not stay sober!!" We both laughed and he hugged me and just stared at me smiling as I gathered my stuff and said my goodbyes.

serial killer

I came home from work early today and there was a man in my apt replacing the bathroom cabinet under the sink. A pesky leak was causing some unsavory mold to appear on the premises. The man working in the bathroom seemed perfectly polite and quite reasonable so I went about fixing some lunch. After ripping open a bag of Fritos it dawned on me this guy was probably going to murder me and cut me into tiny bits and throw me in the dumpster. I nonchallantly strolled to my room and sneakily grabbed my switchblade from my dresser drawer. The knife was a christmas gift from a friend a few years ago. Nothin says happy holidays like a deadly weapon. Illegal no less. After retrieving the knife I continued to prepare my lunch, which consisted of microwaving a bowl of soup and munching on Fritos while watching Celebrity Rehab from the kitchen. The thought occurred that if in fact I was going to have to face off with the plumber/construction guy I had better prepare myself mentally and emotionally to get bloody. Which I did. As I was stirring my soup I conjured up images of having to stab him in the neck, the jugular to be exact. Then I sat down for lunch. After he left I texted this whole scenario to my friend who gave me the knife and told him the guy looked a little scared when he left. My friend responded "he probably thought you were going to molest him."

peer pressure

My next door neighbors are a young couple. They have two little dogs that bark incessantly, I have no idea why. Our bedrooms share a wall and although my building is pretty soundproof, I can hear most things they do in their room. My favorite is when they come home drunk and have a shouting match at 2:30 am. Last time she screamed at him that she was tired of coming home from work and finding the place a mess. He doesnt have a job and she thinks it would be fair if he could clean up after himself and the dogs during the day. Especially the toilet. She mentioned having to clean his piss and shit off the toilet seat. I guess I've lucked out with boyfriends, I don't remember ever having to clean shit off the toilet seat. Next time I see them in the elevator its going to be hard not to laugh.

earthquakes

I've been in a few earthquakes. Once was in Mexico after drinking a liter of tequila and taking a hit of ecstacy. At first I wasn't sure there technically was an earthquake, I thought I may have just gotten a little tipsy. My friend who was there thought we had an earthquake also, but neither of us were 100% sure until we checked with some other people who weren't drunk and high. That was a fun trip.

death and taxes.

My 86 year old grandfather passed away two days ago. Moved on to whatevers next. He lived a long, full happy life full of love and adventure. He would say how proud he was of me to have overcome the heroin addiction and that he always knew I had it in me. He never judged or criticized me for it. He wasn't ashamed or embarrassed, he was still proud of me. He knew who I was even when I had forgotten. Surprising someone of that generation would be so open minded about such things, but he wasnt an average man. He was extraordinary and he will be missed by many. Love you gramps. See you on the other side.