New Year...

I think this year I might set some goals. Ive never really done that before, especially a New Years resolution. Maybe it's time to start. I am going to London in June...that's been on my list for a long time. What else...hmmmmm........

surprised. again.

I love when things turn out in a way that you could have never imagined. Well...I like it when the surprise is GOOD..not when things turn out worse than you could have imagined. I find that in matters of the heart, it's so easy to throw caution to the wind...to not think about tomorrow. That feels perfect right now. I'm loving it.

winter..

the native americans believe you have seasons of your life. every four years you experience your 'winter' although i feel like i am in my winter every winter. it seems as things become more clear they become more confusing more often than not and this is one of those times. i'm not sure if its me or everyone else. well..maybe i do know but dont want to admit it...

taking on a new project..not finishing the old ones...wondering what will happen next. story of my life.

summer

Seems like all winter I look forward to summer so much that when it gets here all I can do is think about it being over too soon.

This summer has been pretty wild so far. My son is staying at his dads and I have the place to myself and nobody to worry about but me. Single and free. Lookout.

Turns out to be a little more complicated than I thought it would be. I've experienced romance and dating and one night stands and thinking something would happen when it didnt and being sure it wouldnt and it did. Twists and turns and peaks and valleys. Joy and pain. LIFE.

Thank you Nick for encouraging me so many months ago and to all my loyal and beautiful friends for listening to my crazy stories and all my drama.

And to the person who turned my cab light on, who will never see this : )

WTF

Im hating my life right now. Ugh. This will be a total pity party but I'm just not able to talk myself out of feeling this today. I can't get to a place of gratitude right now. All I feel is anger and irritation and the urge to scream and throw a huge tantrum. I'm not even sure why.

The other night I busted out a bunch of old pictures to scan and I started feeling sort of...melancholy..or something. Seeing pictures of a certain time in my sons life made me really sad. He was so cute and innocent and I wasnt. I don't know what I could have done differently and it's pretty ridiculous to even think about it because clearly I did what I was capable of at the time. Thats all I could do. And I miss the little kid. Now hes big and grown up and doesnt need me. He also doesnt do anything I tell him to. He also leaves his fingernail clippings around the bathroom sink. I love him more than life itself.

A few other weird things have happened to me lately that have left me feeling...WEIRD....

I wish I could break something or cry or get drunk. All three?

ideas..

i have some great ideas. i wish i was the type of person that could complete a project. i feel like i have two really good movie ideas..based on some personal experiences...but i have no confidence i could undertake a project that big. ugh. maybe i can. ?? ive been writing a book for like four years...havent even looked at it for months. its part of the aries blessing. goddammitt.

off balance

last week i had some hideous virus that mutated into bronchitis and a sinus infection. i had to use 5 days of time off from work which made me feel like crying. ugh. i still dont feel GREAT but i am definitely back among the living. sorta.

something weird is happening in the universe though, im not the only one reporting it. people i know that are usually solid as a rock seem to be on rather shaky ground. everyone seems really disconnected and aggro (myself included). for instance, my son is in the BEST mood hes ever been in that i can remember in his entire life (he has recently been hanging out with a lovely young woman) and i can barely be nice to him. its like his happiness is making me mad..?!? i keep thinking myself out of it, saying to myself, this is crazy...why be mean when he is so happy? then i came home from work and found all of his fingernail clippings in my freshly cleaned bathroom sink and i sent him a text that said "sleep with one eye open". and i meant it.