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Lately I'm feeling sad about getting old. With the appearance of each new grey hair and the skin on my neck refusing to stay put, it's undeniable that its happening. Aging. I never thought it would happen to me. I also never thought I would have become a heroin addict, or a single parent, but that happened too. Believe it or not I'm grateful for all of it. Except the getting old part. It's so fucking high maintenance. Creams and potions and hair color and blah blah blah. When I was young I could just roll out of bed, no makeup or bra, throw my hair in a ponytail and hit the streets running.

I was frivolous with relationships, knowing there would always be another around the corner. Always on the take, trying to get what I could out of everyone around me, never considering that I should actually be doing some giving. Blaming everything on everyone else, never wanting to take responsibility for my own decisions. Self will run riot.

Youth really is wasted on the young.

I guess the beauty of aging is the life experience and knowledge that comes with it. Notice how I didn't use the word "wisdom" there. I wouldn't go that far. It seems unfair that by the time you get to the place in life where you feel ok on the inside, know who you are and what you do and don't want in your life, you are suddenly middle aged. Weird. This whole thing is a trip. But I keep trudging forward on the path of happy destiny. Cheers.

payback

Last night I was at a wake for my grandfather at a sportsbar in Issaquah. One of his fishing buddies is the owner and put on a huge bash for the family, it was a great event. Just before I was starting to gather my things to leave I had a conversation with a man named Jason.
Jason is my ex step mothers (Beth, who is also my younger half brothers mom) current husband. I've known Jason for 16 years, ever since he and Beth first met and started dating.

One day, 16 years ago, I was at Beths house hanging out with my younger brother (I had my son with me who was less than a year old, which is the only reason I know how long ago it was). At the time I was severely addicted to heroin and it was about the time of day that I had to start figuring out how I was going to get money and score drugs, it was time to get my hustle on. As my mind was slicing and dicing my options for whatever shifty business would be in order to meet my needs, I decided to go to the bathroom. My last moment of rest before I was going to have to get the wheels turning on this endeavor.

As I was walking down the hall to go to the bathroom I was able to glance into Beths bedroom and see Jasons pants hanging over a chair. There was a beautiful wad of cash just peeking out of his jeans pocket. The money was basically screaming, "COME GET ME". It was just a few feet away, and everyone was out swimming in the pool so the house was empty. I scurried in her room, snatched the money, skipped the bathroom, said our goodbyes and was out the door in seconds flat.

11 years ago when I got sober, my family welcomed me back with open arms. There has never been any talk of my transgressions unless I brought them up. Neither Jason or Beth have ever spoken of the incident that day, but I thought deep down they had to know what had really happened. A few years ago I remembered this incident, and being a good AA have had every intention of making amends to Jason and pay him back. Every time there was an event when I knew I would see Jason I never had any cash on me, I always told myself I would swing by the ATM to get the money on my way and I just never did.

I had gotten a bunch of cash for my son to pay some school fees and get a student ID card and he decided not to do it on Friday, so I had a big wad of cash in my purse when I went to the event last night. Just as I was starting to think about leaving, Jason got there and came over and hugged me and said hello like usual. He told me about how he just lost 50 lbs in three months and we were in the midst of having a very interesting conversation when I heard a loud voice in my head scream "GIVE HIM THE MONEY". He started to walk away while I was reaching in my purse to grab the money. Just as I pulled my hand out of my purse, I grabbed his arm. As he turned to look at me I felt a huge wave of energy wash over my body, I felt calm and peaceful and happy and confident. I told Jason the story of how I stole the money and that I was strung out at the time I did it and that I was sorry. He resisted and didn't want to take the money so I just shoved it in his pocket. He said he appreciated the apology and respected what I was doing, but really didn't need the money. I said "Jason, if you don't take this money I might not stay sober!!" We both laughed and he hugged me and just stared at me smiling as I gathered my stuff and said my goodbyes.

serial killer

I came home from work early today and there was a man in my apt replacing the bathroom cabinet under the sink. A pesky leak was causing some unsavory mold to appear on the premises. The man working in the bathroom seemed perfectly polite and quite reasonable so I went about fixing some lunch. After ripping open a bag of Fritos it dawned on me this guy was probably going to murder me and cut me into tiny bits and throw me in the dumpster. I nonchallantly strolled to my room and sneakily grabbed my switchblade from my dresser drawer. The knife was a christmas gift from a friend a few years ago. Nothin says happy holidays like a deadly weapon. Illegal no less. After retrieving the knife I continued to prepare my lunch, which consisted of microwaving a bowl of soup and munching on Fritos while watching Celebrity Rehab from the kitchen. The thought occurred that if in fact I was going to have to face off with the plumber/construction guy I had better prepare myself mentally and emotionally to get bloody. Which I did. As I was stirring my soup I conjured up images of having to stab him in the neck, the jugular to be exact. Then I sat down for lunch. After he left I texted this whole scenario to my friend who gave me the knife and told him the guy looked a little scared when he left. My friend responded "he probably thought you were going to molest him."

peer pressure

My next door neighbors are a young couple. They have two little dogs that bark incessantly, I have no idea why. Our bedrooms share a wall and although my building is pretty soundproof, I can hear most things they do in their room. My favorite is when they come home drunk and have a shouting match at 2:30 am. Last time she screamed at him that she was tired of coming home from work and finding the place a mess. He doesnt have a job and she thinks it would be fair if he could clean up after himself and the dogs during the day. Especially the toilet. She mentioned having to clean his piss and shit off the toilet seat. I guess I've lucked out with boyfriends, I don't remember ever having to clean shit off the toilet seat. Next time I see them in the elevator its going to be hard not to laugh.

earthquakes

I've been in a few earthquakes. Once was in Mexico after drinking a liter of tequila and taking a hit of ecstacy. At first I wasn't sure there technically was an earthquake, I thought I may have just gotten a little tipsy. My friend who was there thought we had an earthquake also, but neither of us were 100% sure until we checked with some other people who weren't drunk and high. That was a fun trip.

death and taxes.

My 86 year old grandfather passed away two days ago. Moved on to whatevers next. He lived a long, full happy life full of love and adventure. He would say how proud he was of me to have overcome the heroin addiction and that he always knew I had it in me. He never judged or criticized me for it. He wasn't ashamed or embarrassed, he was still proud of me. He knew who I was even when I had forgotten. Surprising someone of that generation would be so open minded about such things, but he wasnt an average man. He was extraordinary and he will be missed by many. Love you gramps. See you on the other side.