streamers

Conflicts arent the same as they used to be. I guess by the time you reach my age youve had a wide variety of experiences if youre lucky. Given that Ive been around the proverbial block a few times I know what the risks are in matters of the heart. I want to feel alive and just go for it and not protect myself all the time. How do I avoid the pain? Perhaps its inevitable in any circumstance. Why cant I just go along for the ride and not have to be the voice of reason to myself?

On the other hand...maybe Ive learned enough to want to avoid the pain and know that instant gratification is rarely worth the aftermath of suffering? Perhaps this is what being OK looks like. I want both apparently. Excitement and safety. Is this possible?

spring forward

Another birthday has come and gone. Every time it happens part of me is surprised Ive been around this long. There was a period of time I was headed for an early extinction. Seems as though that was not the plan for me in this life. Who would have known?

The last few weeks have been invigorating, confusing, exciting and very educational. I feel like every experience brings me something so valuable. I went on a really fun vacation with one of my best friends. Then when I got home I had a strange conflict with a friend I've had since I was 15 years old and it was left in a state of disrepair or so it seems at this moment. I had the most interesting, honest, vulnerable and loving conversation Ive had with another person in a long time and I also went on an AMAZING 4 hour trail ride with the most fantastic group of friends anyone could ever want - all over the course of a few days.

I got home today and checked the mail and there was the most amazing gift waiting for me from one of my favorite people on the planet. Im a lucky son of a bitch and I'm perfectly happy about it.

Its becoming apparent to me that this part of my life is largely happy. Even when its not exactly. If youre 43 that probably makes sense to you. Im so grateful and curious to see what will happen next. Just know that my heart is full of good stuff. Thats a lot coming from me.

born to run

I'm feeling antsy. Maybe its the weather or maybe just sheer boredom but I feel like I want to move away. I want to live somewhere sunny with new interesting people. There are lots of things I love about Seattle but not much this time of year. We get teased with some pollen and a few things bloom, then we get 32 degree days with 65 mph winds. I just feel like if I dont go now I never will and I can't handle thinking that. At age 43 how many more moves do I have in me? How much more courage and energy do I have left. I dont know. It just seems like there is something waiting for me somewhere else.