grungey

About a year ago...maybe longer...a book was published about Kurt Cobain. Not the first and probably not the last. A friend of mine works at the publishing company and gave me the book. There happens to be a picture of me and Kurt in it, which I guess is why he thought I deserved a free copy, which I can't say I disagree. While I had looked at the pictures when I got the book (of course I had to critique my eybrows and silly 22 year old garb) I had never read any of it. The book is meant to be heavy on the never before seen pictures and recreations of interesting tidbits of Kurts stuff.

For some reason last night I opened the book and read every single word. I felt happy and sad and joyful and depressed and nostalgic and grateful and angry and confused. It was a much wilder ride than I had anticipated. I felt like I spent the evening with him and relived our entire youths.

No matter how much time goes by, I still miss him and part of me just flat out misses that time in my life. It was exciting and reckless and I was surrounded by people making musical history, although of course nobody knew it at the time. As my friends and I are heading into our 40's Kurt will forever be 27. If we only knew at 27 how young we were. How could someone decide at that age that life isnt worth living? Doesn't make any sense to me. I still cry about it sometimes.

The most heartbreaking part is to see pictures of him with his baby. I know he loved her so much. Its hard to understand why he would leave her if he loved her at all, but I know he thought she was better off without him. I've had those same thoughts myself about my son when I was in the throes of despair and hopelessness.

His birthday just went by in February and soon I will face the day that he died. Again. 16 years ago. My son was just 9 months old, Kurts daugher was a year and a half, now they are both young adults and have never met. Most likely never will. I know Kurt would have loved Mason, he had the soul of an artist and loved grafitti. I picture them sneaking around together at night vandalizing the city. Love you Kurt. I miss you.

wake up

The other night I woke up at 4:30 AM to a voice in my head saying "ONE DAY YOU WILL BE DEAD". As in, at some point in time the body that I exist in will no longer exist. No more brain function. I have suffered intermittently from a bit of anxiety around this subject and have tried really hard to not be scared of it anymore. Nothin I can do about it anyway. Sometimes when I have the thought of death I feel totally fine with it, I have faith and acceptance and no fear at all. I don't know why sometimes I'm alright with it and sometimes I'm not, maybe we don't get to 100% ok with it until its time. Maybe we never do. Or, I should say, maybe I never will.

It seems like this should be something that more people are talking about. Is anyone else apprehensive? Scared even? For some reason it doesnt really seem like it. When I bring it up to other people that I sometimes have this anxiety or fear they mostly just say things like "huh."

Ah the grim reaper. Stay away.